You ruined my heart at a very impressionable stage.  Somewhere I must learn to forgive.  God help me to forgive.

a product of my life

I did not arise in oppression.  I am not a product of times of war, depression, economical distress, and unfair boundaries to our lifestyle.  My time is not one where blacks and whites are not allowed to take a piss in the same toilet.  My time is not one where females are made into housewives with no rights to work or vote.  We don't tuck our children into bed worrying about things like "polio" and "flu".  As a child I did not cry myself to sleep over hunger or terror. Gay?  That word meant one thing and one thing only,  unbiblical and evil.  I am not of a time where only rich people have a car.  I am, instead, a product of my life.  One where we all use the same restroom, where men and women are equal.  The flu doesn't kill our children....guns kill them.  Gay marriage is a controversy of the past.  Hell, even the poor man has a car nowadays.  My point is one that is very clear and prescise yet draws its heart from a passion that will reign above anything passion could reign from and that my friends is a passion drove from a struggle.  The struggle of this generation is video games,  technology, and fast food.  A time where people care more about materials than meaning.  I may be from this lazy horrible time.  But I still have a fight.  A fight that burns within me because I, will fight for what I believe in, till the day I die.

Need a vacation from my thoughts.....

So here I lay them down to sleep.  She looks at the wine glass....the drops of condensation roll down the glass similar to the way the tears roll down her face.  Funny isn't it?  How the symbolism is literally suffocating the air around her.  It didn't used to be this way.  There used to be hopes and dreams of a better life.  She was inspired by the simplest of things, saw the beauty in everything.  Now, she can barely see at all.

Nicolas Ryan O'Connell

The time we had together was short but one of a kind. You were my life, my soulmate, my everything.  I will cherish our time we had for the rest of my life.  You showed me what real love is.  You showed me how to be happy again.  You never tried to change me or told me how to be.  That was the best bit.  you were my Dan and I was your Candy.  Forever and ever. 

It was a Romeo and Juliet story from the start....everyone around me said stay away from him but my heart said I will never leave him.  It was an instant indescribable connection.  But.there was deep pain in his eyes...I recognized it because that same pain was in mine.  We laughed, we loved, we fought, we cried.  We were the best of friends and the best of lovers.  But his heart had also fallen in love with something else.....heroin.  The love we had stayed but then came the hate.  He lied, he stole, he manipulated.  I watched the man of my dreams, my soulmate deteriorate right before my eyes.  As the days came and went my anger towards that drug grew stronger and stronger.  There was always hope though.  Through it all he never stopped loving me.  He wanted help but had nowhere to turn.  And where do addicts end up?  In jail or dead. This horrific disease gave him both.  It tore me up inside to give him tough love and let him sit in jail but I knew it was his only shot at getting better.  Then came miracle, the judge was sending him to rehab.  I couldn't wait for our lives to get better.  To grow old together and raise a family.  I.wanted my Nicolas back and I was about to get him.  He was released from jail 4 days before he was supposed to check in at a recovery center.  The second day he was out was a day I will remember for the rest of my life.  It was the day heroin took my one and only love and ripped him away from me. All that praying, all that begging, all that trying and preaching and meetings meant nothing now.  They found him on the side of the street in my car.  He was in there for over 12 hours dead.  His "friends" disposed of him like a piece of trash.  Not a day goes by that I don't do my best to make a difference in this world and try to educate people of the pain that drug causes to not only the user but the ones that love them.  And I want to sincerely, from the little bit of heart that I have left say thank you for everything you do to help people.

A life I could have had

I could have shut my mouth....I could have been "obedient"....I could have let you tell me what to wear, how to think, when to talk, where to work, n when to come home....I could have pretended I was happily in love....but I didnt and that my friend was the best decision of my life. 
So any girl that's ever let a boy tell you what to do....go find a man that loves you for you.

Wonderwall

Being alone isn't easy but we all hurt in the absence of another.  Maybe It's because as a society we find comfort in focus that doesn't lay on our faults but instead on someone else's.  Quite selfish love is.  But then again....selfishness has a vulnerability in its own way which I find to be a beautiful circle they call life.

My best friend had her beautiful baby boy today.....I am officially a god mother.  It is truly a miracle.  Its a somber moment though I know that one day nic and I would have had a baby.  It's so hard without him.  He was and will always be my one true love.  He would have given me the world but now I'm left alone and fighting for a way to make it all make sense.  my life has been some crazy places.  God has tested me and i will not stop trying. 

What is reality? Is it finding who you are...It's being who are....It's needing to be who you are.  That's the reality of this world.  We strive for years to find the answers, when in reality, they lay within ourselves.  Our emotions are what keep the soul alive.  They make us and even break us, but they always become us.  And I call of all searches...I found it.  Right here, right now, with me. 

Momentum

I just wanna stand in the rain.   I wanna feel real again.  Find my purpose again.  Let the cold rain chill my soul and carry me back to the place I started.  This bitter weather matches your self esteem...fake but all the while inviting.  I always wanted a life worth talking about, but not if this is what it feels like.  The music we grew up on sure didn't prepare us for shit of this caliber.  I'm starring down the barrel of a gun just waiting for someone to pull the trigger.  Long late night walks discussing the end of the world and the sad society surrounding us is what i looked forward to.  Not pain and comprise.  The older I get the harder it is to be inspired....and with that i raise my wine glass, flick my cigarette, and propose a toast to tomorrow and all the dreams it has already crushed. 

beaten, torn, and tattered....

im running, as fast as i can. the cold is right behind me and i cant seem to get away. the nightmares wake me up gasping for air most nights. i just want to pour my heart out but no one wants to listen anymore. they're "sick" of hearing about it. they think im supposed to pick up my life where it left off on April 14th. i can't go back to that without you. it's like im drowning and there is no water. i constantly close my eyes and play videos of us in my head. then i open my eyes and realize the images are slowly slipping away. it's like in candy where she says, "don't you get it? i've been clenching my fists." well i know why, because it's the only way to keep them from shaking. this is a battle i promised myself i would not lose. you were my world. and now i watched it crumble beneath my feet, the anger is just boiling up. i understand what triggers feel like, except mine don't cause me to use, they cause me to cry. they cause me to question my very existence in this shitty world. what people around me fail to realize is that i found my soulmate in you. from day fucking one i felt this connection like we knew eachother for years. every wall i had built up from the shitty relationships i had before was broken down with one look into your beautiful eyes. i knew our lives were gonna be messy together. i knew our battles were gonna be epic. i knew our love was gonna be passionate. one thing i didn't know? that loosing you was gonna come so soon. it's crazy how you put things into perspective once you've lost your entire life. i look at all these self righteous indie films i thought were so keen on the pure meaning of our world and its capabilities.....and i laugh. a film could never capture true emotion, or lack thereof. sorry david fincher. my life will never be the same. my heart will never be whole. my dreams will never be fullfilled. and heroin is to blame. well it's time to stand up one more time and say FUCK YOU. you robbed an amazing soul of a chance to become whatever he dreamed of becoming. you robbed a mother of her baby boy. you robbed a father of seeing his son grow up and making something of himself. you robbed two sisters of the their bubby. you robbed a little boy of the day he would come to him with advice on how to talk to the girl he likes. you robbed me of my other half. AND WE ARE ALL REALLY PISSED OFF ABOUT IT.

postsecret

dear frank,
the last post was for nic. he read it. it was three months ago that he was taken from us. i still have a lot of questions and anger. he is my love, my life, my world. forever and ever.

april 8th 2011

The air is silent and universe is still. The humidity from today is lingering and rain clouds fill the sky. Oh how I miss these nights. Walking the streets listening to taking back sunday on the ipod. The times of innosence and good faith. A time when harm was far away and hearts were pure and open to love. Inspiration was my surrounding the young and fearless. Those days passed quickly as our generation grew older, our hearts broke and our eyes were opened up to societal control. But the wind picks up and it blows a sense of calm through my veins. For with you in my life, I am content and unphased. Were broken dreams have once sat lays a mended soul. I am ready for this world. I am ready for you. Love forever and always. Elise.

A beautiful soul was shattered by a beautiful high. The smoke floated up as the soul lost touch of reality. It started as just a game. But then the smoke got thick as it quickly became a way to forget. The light was fading and the dark was setting in. It took hold. Reality was a far stretch away. Love was a dream that was only seen in sleep. But as the smoke cleared and the walls crumbled she came into his life. She tried to break the hold it had on his soul. But no amount of love could fix the pain. She wanted to be the girl to save him. The light is coming back now. For every time the sun rises, the high gets further and further away. The beautiful soul has a soulmate. the smoke is gone and the high has faded to the past where it belongs.

my past

I must confess I still think about how things would be....from time to time.

blogspot.almostforgot.com

so it has been almost a year since i started my blog. i dont post on here much anymore. i have a busy life. not sure if anyone even reads this shit anymore. its funny how long its been since my fingers have even touched a keyboard. weird how it all just comes back to me and they flow as if i am not even in control. control is something i dont posses that often these days. this time last year i was brought to my rock bottom...i lost everything and almost lost my life. all hope was forgotten i watched it fade as my body broke down and medicine pumped through my veins. i slowly began to pick up the broken pieces and start a journey towards living life again. my footsteps were placed across the snow covered grass...as it melted when spring came my way back home melted with it. the seasons changed and the year grew longer and longer. now here i am. it is winter again and i find myself just as in touch as i was when everything left. the crisp air is a reminder of the things i used to live. that winter was the coldest winter i think i had ever witnessed, i think i have my emotions to thank for that. you see, they say it is only when we have lost everything that we are free to do anything. so with the new season i once again take a step outside into the cold thrusting air and breathe. for it is my heart that brought me to where i am now. i open it freely and pray that the one i love will take it whole and hand it back to me one day. ive seen a lot of things this past year. i have lived a lot of things this year. i have hurt a lot of things this year. i forgot a lot of things this year. but the love that has found me is the one thing i have gained this year. i gladly walk this journey into the crisp dark winter and hope to come out on the other side having defeated the one thing that stands in the way of my heart...

well....its been a while.

I don't like blogging on here unless I am in a place in my life where I feel as if I need to use it. Things have been pretty "norm" lately. A long time ago someone left my life and left me feeling empty. I got over it but still never really felt like myself again. I realize now that I have a good person around that it wasn't that I wasn't myself after that person but that I am back to my old self. I just forgot what it feels like to be appreciated and allowed to be who I am. Someone actually likes my personality. I didn't ever think I would find someone good. Funny isn't it?

this isn't about love.

It's not about who was wrong or right. It's not about where we came from or even where we will end up. When it all breaks down. Who inspires you to be your best?