beaten, torn, and tattered....

im running, as fast as i can. the cold is right behind me and i cant seem to get away. the nightmares wake me up gasping for air most nights. i just want to pour my heart out but no one wants to listen anymore. they're "sick" of hearing about it. they think im supposed to pick up my life where it left off on April 14th. i can't go back to that without you. it's like im drowning and there is no water. i constantly close my eyes and play videos of us in my head. then i open my eyes and realize the images are slowly slipping away. it's like in candy where she says, "don't you get it? i've been clenching my fists." well i know why, because it's the only way to keep them from shaking. this is a battle i promised myself i would not lose. you were my world. and now i watched it crumble beneath my feet, the anger is just boiling up. i understand what triggers feel like, except mine don't cause me to use, they cause me to cry. they cause me to question my very existence in this shitty world. what people around me fail to realize is that i found my soulmate in you. from day fucking one i felt this connection like we knew eachother for years. every wall i had built up from the shitty relationships i had before was broken down with one look into your beautiful eyes. i knew our lives were gonna be messy together. i knew our battles were gonna be epic. i knew our love was gonna be passionate. one thing i didn't know? that loosing you was gonna come so soon. it's crazy how you put things into perspective once you've lost your entire life. i look at all these self righteous indie films i thought were so keen on the pure meaning of our world and its capabilities.....and i laugh. a film could never capture true emotion, or lack thereof. sorry david fincher. my life will never be the same. my heart will never be whole. my dreams will never be fullfilled. and heroin is to blame. well it's time to stand up one more time and say FUCK YOU. you robbed an amazing soul of a chance to become whatever he dreamed of becoming. you robbed a mother of her baby boy. you robbed a father of seeing his son grow up and making something of himself. you robbed two sisters of the their bubby. you robbed a little boy of the day he would come to him with advice on how to talk to the girl he likes. you robbed me of my other half. AND WE ARE ALL REALLY PISSED OFF ABOUT IT.

postsecret

dear frank,
the last post was for nic. he read it. it was three months ago that he was taken from us. i still have a lot of questions and anger. he is my love, my life, my world. forever and ever.

april 8th 2011

The air is silent and universe is still. The humidity from today is lingering and rain clouds fill the sky. Oh how I miss these nights. Walking the streets listening to taking back sunday on the ipod. The times of innosence and good faith. A time when harm was far away and hearts were pure and open to love. Inspiration was my surrounding the young and fearless. Those days passed quickly as our generation grew older, our hearts broke and our eyes were opened up to societal control. But the wind picks up and it blows a sense of calm through my veins. For with you in my life, I am content and unphased. Were broken dreams have once sat lays a mended soul. I am ready for this world. I am ready for you. Love forever and always. Elise.

A beautiful soul was shattered by a beautiful high. The smoke floated up as the soul lost touch of reality. It started as just a game. But then the smoke got thick as it quickly became a way to forget. The light was fading and the dark was setting in. It took hold. Reality was a far stretch away. Love was a dream that was only seen in sleep. But as the smoke cleared and the walls crumbled she came into his life. She tried to break the hold it had on his soul. But no amount of love could fix the pain. She wanted to be the girl to save him. The light is coming back now. For every time the sun rises, the high gets further and further away. The beautiful soul has a soulmate. the smoke is gone and the high has faded to the past where it belongs.

my past

I must confess I still think about how things would be....from time to time.