beaten, torn, and tattered....

im running, as fast as i can. the cold is right behind me and i cant seem to get away. the nightmares wake me up gasping for air most nights. i just want to pour my heart out but no one wants to listen anymore. they're "sick" of hearing about it. they think im supposed to pick up my life where it left off on April 14th. i can't go back to that without you. it's like im drowning and there is no water. i constantly close my eyes and play videos of us in my head. then i open my eyes and realize the images are slowly slipping away. it's like in candy where she says, "don't you get it? i've been clenching my fists." well i know why, because it's the only way to keep them from shaking. this is a battle i promised myself i would not lose. you were my world. and now i watched it crumble beneath my feet, the anger is just boiling up. i understand what triggers feel like, except mine don't cause me to use, they cause me to cry. they cause me to question my very existence in this shitty world. what people around me fail to realize is that i found my soulmate in you. from day fucking one i felt this connection like we knew eachother for years. every wall i had built up from the shitty relationships i had before was broken down with one look into your beautiful eyes. i knew our lives were gonna be messy together. i knew our battles were gonna be epic. i knew our love was gonna be passionate. one thing i didn't know? that loosing you was gonna come so soon. it's crazy how you put things into perspective once you've lost your entire life. i look at all these self righteous indie films i thought were so keen on the pure meaning of our world and its capabilities.....and i laugh. a film could never capture true emotion, or lack thereof. sorry david fincher. my life will never be the same. my heart will never be whole. my dreams will never be fullfilled. and heroin is to blame. well it's time to stand up one more time and say FUCK YOU. you robbed an amazing soul of a chance to become whatever he dreamed of becoming. you robbed a mother of her baby boy. you robbed a father of seeing his son grow up and making something of himself. you robbed two sisters of the their bubby. you robbed a little boy of the day he would come to him with advice on how to talk to the girl he likes. you robbed me of my other half. AND WE ARE ALL REALLY PISSED OFF ABOUT IT.

postsecret

dear frank,
the last post was for nic. he read it. it was three months ago that he was taken from us. i still have a lot of questions and anger. he is my love, my life, my world. forever and ever.