blogspot.almostforgot.com

so it has been almost a year since i started my blog. i dont post on here much anymore. i have a busy life. not sure if anyone even reads this shit anymore. its funny how long its been since my fingers have even touched a keyboard. weird how it all just comes back to me and they flow as if i am not even in control. control is something i dont posses that often these days. this time last year i was brought to my rock bottom...i lost everything and almost lost my life. all hope was forgotten i watched it fade as my body broke down and medicine pumped through my veins. i slowly began to pick up the broken pieces and start a journey towards living life again. my footsteps were placed across the snow covered grass...as it melted when spring came my way back home melted with it. the seasons changed and the year grew longer and longer. now here i am. it is winter again and i find myself just as in touch as i was when everything left. the crisp air is a reminder of the things i used to live. that winter was the coldest winter i think i had ever witnessed, i think i have my emotions to thank for that. you see, they say it is only when we have lost everything that we are free to do anything. so with the new season i once again take a step outside into the cold thrusting air and breathe. for it is my heart that brought me to where i am now. i open it freely and pray that the one i love will take it whole and hand it back to me one day. ive seen a lot of things this past year. i have lived a lot of things this year. i have hurt a lot of things this year. i forgot a lot of things this year. but the love that has found me is the one thing i have gained this year. i gladly walk this journey into the crisp dark winter and hope to come out on the other side having defeated the one thing that stands in the way of my heart...

well....its been a while.

I don't like blogging on here unless I am in a place in my life where I feel as if I need to use it. Things have been pretty "norm" lately. A long time ago someone left my life and left me feeling empty. I got over it but still never really felt like myself again. I realize now that I have a good person around that it wasn't that I wasn't myself after that person but that I am back to my old self. I just forgot what it feels like to be appreciated and allowed to be who I am. Someone actually likes my personality. I didn't ever think I would find someone good. Funny isn't it?

this isn't about love.

It's not about who was wrong or right. It's not about where we came from or even where we will end up. When it all breaks down. Who inspires you to be your best?

in the end

Wow! I haven't wrote on here in forever. So I am at a dilema. All my life I thought love is what I wanted. I had relationships where I tried way to hard to make it something emotional and serious. I'm so over all that. I've been with a guy where all we did was think about love and I don't need that now. I need fun. Excitement. Entertainment. I just want to relax and not know what each day is gonna bring. Laying in bed and watching movies isn't much my style these days. Its time to go out and act stupid and forget what we did. Its time to let go of all the worries and just forget my responsibilites. I should have taken that kind of relationship when I had the chance.

he cries at night when no one is around

He is hurt. He is damaged. I never did buy into all the hype. He pretends as if this is what he actually wanted out of life. I know the truth. He acts as if this is the only way to live....defensive and judgemental. He hides behind a brick wall. But see, I know who he really is. He has a heart its just a little confused.

last night

I had a dream. Someone from my past was in it. They will stay in the past. Forever.

the people you hate the most always end up being right

I was told once to guard my heart. To not let anyone in. Be a bitch he said. Play games and fuck with people's heads. I should have listened because here I sit alone and afraid. There was a time that I thought I would never be happy again. I thought my world had collapsed and I would never really love again. Food tasted horrible, music sounded dull, and colors were only in black and white. I finally got past that and found a great life. I had an amazing time....friends, parties, and a promising relationship. I lost it all in the same moment. Now I don't have shit but a broken heart. So thanks, asshole, if only I would have taken your advice.

here i sit in silence

I had many ideas, many thoughts, many words. So many things I miss that I wanted to talk about. I was with a new guy tonight. I thought it would help but instead it made me sad. So we will keep at silence because I need to forget. Goodnight world.

the root of the root, the bud of the bud, in the tree called life.

this world brings us many trials and tribulations. now this is not a discussion about why they occur or where they come from. this is my way of making them have some sort of sense in my many memories. "whatever you do in life will be insignificant, but it's important that you do it because no one else will". we as a people have a way of adding endless amounts of attachment to things once they are taken from us. it is a way for our hearts to cope. i find it very selfish. i do not know where my life is going, however, i do know where it has been. maybe it is time to let go of all the pain i hold bottled up inside. maybe i should forget that childhood. i always held on because i felt that if i let everyone involved forget that i was somehow sending them a message that it was okay. in reality, it might be to say that i don't care about it anymore, that it wasn't that important to begin with. i have been fighting this battle against my faith for a long time. back and forth. i want to believe in god for lindsey. i want to believe that she was simply too amazing to be left buried deep beneath the dirt and beneath the feet of others. at the same time i hate that this life hardly ever makes sense. i hate that i don't have answers. i attended a funeral a few weeks ago. it was devostating to me to sit there and watch an entire room of people looking for answers as to why a very smart and funny and outgoing beautiful friend of ours isn't here anymore. the pastor called for a moment of silence to pray to god. i used that moment to yell at god and tell him i hated him. i did my best to hold back the tears but there was no stopping them. this life is not the one i would have chosen. my journey has been a long and hard one. lately, i have been tired and uninspired. i wouldn't mind if someone would just show me that it was all worth it. that somewhere down the road it would all be part of some big plan that was bigger than me. pain is a lot like love. it is unexplainable and unpredictable. it isn't tangible and its definition does not do it justice. words could never do it justice. there have only been two people in this world that i could look into their eyes and see their past. words were not needed. we knew eachothers deepest emotions just by looking at eachother. they understood my past, present, and future like it was their own. and i understood theirs. one of those people fell off the deep end and went crazy and the other is, well, to say the least....a lost cause. some people don't want to be saved, some people don't deserve to be saved, and some people cannot be saved. our hearts must learn to know the difference. i mean that is what love is anyways isn't it? i used to ask someone all the time what love meant to them. they never had an answer and i would get so upset. i thought that something that amazing and beatiful was worthy of an explaination from the heart. i thought how could you say you love me if you could not say what love was? i told him what it was to me and i gave this long philisophical answer....i now see how much simpler love is. love is about finding someone in this world that you want to save. you do what you can to make them better and in the process you become better yourself. and in realizing that i also realize why love doesn't always work. because some people don't want to be saved. some people just don't deserve to be saved. some people cannot be saved. there are people in my life that fit each one of those. now it would just be hypocritical to judge them, make assumptions about them and not look in the mirror at myself. there was a time that i did not want to be saved. there was a time that i did not want to be saved. there was a long time that i did not deserve to be saved. and a time that i could not be saved. as for now....? well my heart is open, wounded but open, to looking into someones eyes and surrenduring my past, present, and future.

bye

You want to leave? Then leave. I'm not going to fucking beg you to stay. I don't care what you do anymore.

dirty and left out

Hello, I swear I won't be too long
Hello, I promise I'll be real strong
Wait up, I just wanna tell you
Hold up, why are you still here?

I've been dirtier than you wanna know
I've left earlier than you'll ever know

Why do, you wanna be all listenin' to me
Why do, you spread your arms and tell me I'm free
Why do, you wanna be in my life
In my life

I've been dirtier than you wanna know
I've left earlier than you'll ever know

Jesus, tease us
There's something about your name
Master, saviour, Jesus

I've been dirtier than you wanna know
I've left earlier than you'll ever know
Jesus
Jesus
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you may win some but you just lost one.

There is a world out there. I've seen many parts of the world. The one place I haven't seen....my true reflection. I have chosen to ignore it. I was afraid of what I might see if I looked in the mirror. In the back of my mind I knew really laid beneath the exterior. I wouldn't know a good thing if it came up and slit my throat. I have ambitions and dreams that I let fall to the wayside. Demons I should have killed a long time ago that I've let haunt me for 21 years. Its not a side effect of my decisions or your actions....honey, its life. My resentment rides high. I could be an accident but I'm still trying. Lipstick lullabyes this is sorry for the last time. The moral this time is girls make boys cry.

new day new priorities

So were looking at houses and I have things on track. Trying to fix what I messed up with the boyfriend. He comes back in town tonight. But for now I'm gonna chill poolside and enjoy my mixed drink. I'm glad I got my friend katie back! Lol

will i ever love again?

Our relationship was horrible. But the way I felt about you was amazing. I've been on a long journey trying to find that feeling again. I don't need you I just need that emotional attachment. I would have sacraficed anything because I loved. I didn't care about any of the stupid things in life. I saw the world in its beauty. I pretend that I still feel that way when it comes to my newer relationships. It just isn't there. I have hope though. One day I will smile again. I will be happy. So I raise my wine glass and toast to the future.

we lost a friend

I watch candy as I try and gather my thoughts. I don't think it will ever make sense. To watch an amazingly friendly and outgoing and smart person leave this earth is something I've had to do once before. That was 5 years ago and it still feels like yesterday. I'm burdened with pain but not with forgetfullness. We remember those that touched our lives forever.

is it stupid

That I get butterflies when I know he is coming over?

i see you

Its not cute. I know your "mommy" has told you your entire life how amazing and special you are but its a bold face lie. You think the world doesn't notice how you hide behind technology and fashion and your fake ass fasad of this super cool dude? Well we see past it. We see the heartache all over your face. It must suck to hate your alcoholic father for leaving you behind. It must suck to know the girl named "whori" who cheated on you is now having someone elses baby. So take your god damed, and yes I said god I know how much you hate him, twitter and shove it up your ass.

so i know this person....

That always gets what he wants. He once told me to be more like him...guard my heart and don't let anyone in. Be cold hearted and you won't get hurt. He warned me to watch the guys I get involved with. I didn't listen. I should have. my hopes were up and I got played. I'm taking it as a lesson learned. No more emotions.

So there was a time when I had it all figured out. I knew what love was like. I had seen the world. I experienced so many things but still couldn't find hapiness. Beauty is sometimes a very ugly thing. It feeds ones soul. I had it all figured out including you. Then I lost it all. I question if it was all ever real. I see more of myself in what I thought I saw in you. Small glimpses appear on those rare occassions that you let "us" the internet viewers into your mind. But then again, maybe its all a game. you never can trust the guy that stole your heart.

It is beautiful outside. The sun is shining down and the wind is blowing. I think about where I've been and where I am going. I am content with my life as of now. I think I am actually finding hapiness. I don't know what's going to happen but I am glad its already better than what used to happen.

a guide to recognizing your saints

I'm broken inside. The pain will not dissapear. The past overshadows the present. You got what you could have ever hoped for. I am damaged and torn. Unfixable. Every night I cry. I can't let go. I don't miss you. But I miss the sincerity I had. How genuine and free spirited I was. Now I am bitter and angry. I am guarded by thick walls I have put up. Made sure to not let the world see in. Detached from emotion. This must be how you felt those two years. I understand now why you walked out so easily, why you hurt me and didn't care. Your heart wasn't present even though you wanted it to be. The person I am with deserves much better. He deserves all of me....the real me. I'm just so scared. I have watched all good things in my life come and go. And watched the bad stick around. I feel so alone. I thought being cautious with love would protect my emotions but it hurts all the same. Goodnight world.

spinning

My world is spinning. The real world is fading. I am far from emotionally present. I haven't been myself. I want so badly to find happiness. I felt pretty close but I see it slipping away. I'm scared to death. I just need direction. I need to know I am going to be okay.

life is changed

Wow! So much drama 'round these days. All the drinking and drugs will do that to people. They need something. They thrive off it. Feed off it. It makes me sad to see people loose all sense of reality and gain an entire ego of fake pride. Its a fasad. The world is meant for much greater things than this. I hope one day you guys move past this lifestyle and find something better to occupy your time.