this world brings us many trials and tribulations. now this is not a discussion about why they occur or where they come from. this is my way of making them have some sort of sense in my many memories. "whatever you do in life will be insignificant, but it's important that you do it because no one else will". we as a people have a way of adding endless amounts of attachment to things once they are taken from us. it is a way for our hearts to cope. i find it very selfish. i do not know where my life is going, however, i do know where it has been. maybe it is time to let go of all the pain i hold bottled up inside. maybe i should forget that childhood. i always held on because i felt that if i let everyone involved forget that i was somehow sending them a message that it was okay. in reality, it might be to say that i don't care about it anymore, that it wasn't that important to begin with. i have been fighting this battle against my faith for a long time. back and forth. i want to believe in god for lindsey. i want to believe that she was simply too amazing to be left buried deep beneath the dirt and beneath the feet of others. at the same time i hate that this life hardly ever makes sense. i hate that i don't have answers. i attended a funeral a few weeks ago. it was devostating to me to sit there and watch an entire room of people looking for answers as to why a very smart and funny and outgoing beautiful friend of ours isn't here anymore. the pastor called for a moment of silence to pray to god. i used that moment to yell at god and tell him i hated him. i did my best to hold back the tears but there was no stopping them. this life is not the one i would have chosen. my journey has been a long and hard one. lately, i have been tired and uninspired. i wouldn't mind if someone would just show me that it was all worth it. that somewhere down the road it would all be part of some big plan that was bigger than me. pain is a lot like love. it is unexplainable and unpredictable. it isn't tangible and its definition does not do it justice. words could never do it justice. there have only been two people in this world that i could look into their eyes and see their past. words were not needed. we knew eachothers deepest emotions just by looking at eachother. they understood my past, present, and future like it was their own. and i understood theirs. one of those people fell off the deep end and went crazy and the other is, well, to say the least....a lost cause. some people don't want to be saved, some people don't deserve to be saved, and some people cannot be saved. our hearts must learn to know the difference. i mean that is what love is anyways isn't it? i used to ask someone all the time what love meant to them. they never had an answer and i would get so upset. i thought that something that amazing and beatiful was worthy of an explaination from the heart. i thought how could you say you love me if you could not say what love was? i told him what it was to me and i gave this long philisophical answer....i now see how much simpler love is. love is about finding someone in this world that you want to save. you do what you can to make them better and in the process you become better yourself. and in realizing that i also realize why love doesn't always work. because some people don't want to be saved. some people just don't deserve to be saved. some people cannot be saved. there are people in my life that fit each one of those. now it would just be hypocritical to judge them, make assumptions about them and not look in the mirror at myself. there was a time that i did not want to be saved. there was a time that i did not want to be saved. there was a long time that i did not deserve to be saved. and a time that i could not be saved. as for now....? well my heart is open, wounded but open, to looking into someones eyes and surrenduring my past, present, and future.
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