Nicolas Ryan O'Connell

The time we had together was short but one of a kind. You were my life, my soulmate, my everything.  I will cherish our time we had for the rest of my life.  You showed me what real love is.  You showed me how to be happy again.  You never tried to change me or told me how to be.  That was the best bit.  you were my Dan and I was your Candy.  Forever and ever. 

It was a Romeo and Juliet story from the start....everyone around me said stay away from him but my heart said I will never leave him.  It was an instant indescribable connection.  But.there was deep pain in his eyes...I recognized it because that same pain was in mine.  We laughed, we loved, we fought, we cried.  We were the best of friends and the best of lovers.  But his heart had also fallen in love with something else.....heroin.  The love we had stayed but then came the hate.  He lied, he stole, he manipulated.  I watched the man of my dreams, my soulmate deteriorate right before my eyes.  As the days came and went my anger towards that drug grew stronger and stronger.  There was always hope though.  Through it all he never stopped loving me.  He wanted help but had nowhere to turn.  And where do addicts end up?  In jail or dead. This horrific disease gave him both.  It tore me up inside to give him tough love and let him sit in jail but I knew it was his only shot at getting better.  Then came miracle, the judge was sending him to rehab.  I couldn't wait for our lives to get better.  To grow old together and raise a family.  I.wanted my Nicolas back and I was about to get him.  He was released from jail 4 days before he was supposed to check in at a recovery center.  The second day he was out was a day I will remember for the rest of my life.  It was the day heroin took my one and only love and ripped him away from me. All that praying, all that begging, all that trying and preaching and meetings meant nothing now.  They found him on the side of the street in my car.  He was in there for over 12 hours dead.  His "friends" disposed of him like a piece of trash.  Not a day goes by that I don't do my best to make a difference in this world and try to educate people of the pain that drug causes to not only the user but the ones that love them.  And I want to sincerely, from the little bit of heart that I have left say thank you for everything you do to help people.

A life I could have had

I could have shut my mouth....I could have been "obedient"....I could have let you tell me what to wear, how to think, when to talk, where to work, n when to come home....I could have pretended I was happily in love....but I didnt and that my friend was the best decision of my life. 
So any girl that's ever let a boy tell you what to do....go find a man that loves you for you.

Wonderwall

Being alone isn't easy but we all hurt in the absence of another.  Maybe It's because as a society we find comfort in focus that doesn't lay on our faults but instead on someone else's.  Quite selfish love is.  But then again....selfishness has a vulnerability in its own way which I find to be a beautiful circle they call life.

My best friend had her beautiful baby boy today.....I am officially a god mother.  It is truly a miracle.  Its a somber moment though I know that one day nic and I would have had a baby.  It's so hard without him.  He was and will always be my one true love.  He would have given me the world but now I'm left alone and fighting for a way to make it all make sense.  my life has been some crazy places.  God has tested me and i will not stop trying. 

What is reality? Is it finding who you are...It's being who are....It's needing to be who you are.  That's the reality of this world.  We strive for years to find the answers, when in reality, they lay within ourselves.  Our emotions are what keep the soul alive.  They make us and even break us, but they always become us.  And I call of all searches...I found it.  Right here, right now, with me. 

Momentum

I just wanna stand in the rain.   I wanna feel real again.  Find my purpose again.  Let the cold rain chill my soul and carry me back to the place I started.  This bitter weather matches your self esteem...fake but all the while inviting.  I always wanted a life worth talking about, but not if this is what it feels like.  The music we grew up on sure didn't prepare us for shit of this caliber.  I'm starring down the barrel of a gun just waiting for someone to pull the trigger.  Long late night walks discussing the end of the world and the sad society surrounding us is what i looked forward to.  Not pain and comprise.  The older I get the harder it is to be inspired....and with that i raise my wine glass, flick my cigarette, and propose a toast to tomorrow and all the dreams it has already crushed.